Mr. Phelps, Dr. Wynsczkrepskyvich will see you now. Which doctor? No, he's an M.D. like all the others.
Doctor, people ignore me. Next.
The good thing about a doctor with Alzheimers is he can give you his own second opinions.
Are you a pole vaulter? No, I'm Norwegian and my name isn't Valter.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Dyslexia! I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Apple has developed a new high tech toilet. It's called the iPeed.
I called up SeaWorld. I got a recorded message that said: Calls may be recorded for training porpoises.
A man called the police and said, "I found a suitcase with a cat and four kittens in it, in the forest." The operator said, "That's terrible. Are they moving?" The man said, "I didn't ask but that would explain the suitcase."
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Why do those ballerinas all dance on their toes? Why don't they just get taller women?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
You're so ugly that when you go to the zoo you need two tickets - one to get in and one to get out."
I realized I haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 30 years. I guess I forgot what it's all about.
The only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
A magician was driving down the road, and then he turned into a driveway.
In the Miss Universe pageant, why are all of the winners from Earth?
Smokey the Bear's wife wants to have kids but every time she gets hot, he hits her with a shovel.
What did Salvador Dali like to eat for breakfast? Surreal.
What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
A pickpocket stole the midget's billfold. Hard to believe someone could stoop so low.
What does IDK stand for?" "I don't know." "OMG, nobody does!"
Will the band play anything I ask them to? Yes, of course. Ask them to play pinochle.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Sherlock Holmes comes in carrying a box of lemons. Watson asks, "Where did you get those" "A lemon tree, Dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, and says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Ole's best friend Sven snuck over to Ole's house when he was gone and started fooling around with his wife, Lena.
The phone rang, Lena answered it and said, "Hi, Ole. Oh, okay," and hung up. Sven says, "Holy cow, I 'spose I better get dressed and high tail it out a here." and Lena says, "Take your time. Ole said he was playing cards with you.
A Native American chief has three wives. The first lived in a teepee made out of bear skin, and she bore him a son. The second lived under a buffalo skin, and she also had a son. The third lived in a teepee made out of hippo skin, and she gave birth to twin sons. Therefore, the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A man went to the doctor with a leaf of lettuce sticking out of his ear. The doctor examined him and said, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
A man went to sing for the patients at the hospital. He sang some opera, some Broadway, some pop songs, and at the end, he said, "Thank you so much and I hope you all get better." They said, "We hope you get better too."
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
What is a hippie's wife called? Mississippi.
Two penguins are standing on an ice floe and one penguin says, "Have you seen my brother?" And the other penguin says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A bird in a tuxedo walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Nice tuxedo." The bird said : "How do you know I am not a penguin?"
How did the tree get on the computer? It logged in.
Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because, why emcee, eh?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
How much does a pirate charge for corn? A buccaneer. Or an arrrm and a leg.
One tectonic plate bumped into the other tectonic plate and said: Sorry, my fault.
Why do ghosts like health food? Because it's super natural.
The elevator didn't feel well. It felt it was coming down with something.
The Cyclops shut down his school because he only had one pupil.
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart? One is a barroom and one is a barooom!
What do you call a man with magical pee? A wizard.
How do you split Rome in half? With a pair of Caesars.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its tiny brooms.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant!
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Why do melons get married in church? Because they cantaloupe.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
So, an Arab prince needed a blood transfusion. He had a very rare blood type but they found a donor in Glasgow with the same rare blood type. And the prince was so grateful he gave him a BMW and a sack of diamonds. A year later, the prince needed another transfusion. And the Scotsman donated his blood, and the prince gave him a pint of whiskey and a thank-you note. Because now he had Scottish blood in his veins."
The ancient Egyptian children were confused when their daddies became mummies.
So the night before Christmas, Adam turned to his wife and said, "It's Christmas, Eve."
God created Adam before he created Eve because he didn't want someone telling him how to create Adam.
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
How many English majors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one and another six to sit around and reflect on the experience.
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? They don't change it, they just watch it burn out then follow it around for 30 years.
How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to look at the bulb, one to go get the wrong one, and one to tell you it won't be done until Tuesday
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.
How many Christian songwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the sun comes up so he can write a song about it.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Thousands and it takes eight million years.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
How many Unitarians does it take to replace a lightbulb? You can't replace a lightbulb with a Unitarian --- they don't give light, they discuss light.
How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, I left at intermission.
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll remove the socket, pull out the wiring, and then give you a flashlight
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
How many symbolist poets does it take to change a light bulb? The bicycle is broken and the clocks are in the bathtub.
How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come that small.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define light bulb.
How many post-modernists does it take to change a light bulb? What makes you think it's not?
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, but they're really one.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They use candles.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's not a light bulb. It's a lamp.
What do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A crazy woman who WILL FIND YOU.
So a woman texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now."
I love you. Is that you or the wine talking? It's me, talking to the wine.
Dad I just heard that in some countries a groom doesn't know the bride until after he is married. That's true in all countries, son.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
God gave men a penis and a brain, just not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Men don't go through menopause because they're still in adolescence.
The CIA had an opening for a secret agent and there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. The final test, a test of your dedication, was to go into a room with a gun and shoot your spouse. The two men said, No, they couldn't possibly do that. The woman took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, and screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, the woman came out. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Maybe PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
Honey, I have good news and bad news about the car. Give me the good news first. The airbags work.
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Oh, my goodness ...get your clothes on, my husband is driving in the driveway! I gotta get out of here. Where's your back door? We don't have a back door. Well, where would you like one?
There's this woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. And she says, "You and I are going to be very careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
Ole came home carrying a rock, a chicken, and a pail, and he asked Lena to open the door for him. She said, "No, I'm afraid you might make love to me." He said, "How could I make love to you with a rock, a chicken and a pail in my arms?" "Well," she said, "you could set the chicken down, put the pail over it, and then set the rock on top of the pail."
So Lena had an affair with a man across the river named Clarence and Ole went over to beat the man up and saw a sign on the bridge, Clarence is 13 feet 6 inches, and changed his mind.
A robber ran into the bank waving a gun and his mask fell off and the teller saw him and the robber shot him. Another man looked straight at him and the robber shot him. The robber yelled, "Anybody else see my face???" And Ole looked down at the floor and said, "My wife Lena got a pretty good look at you."
A Korean, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Burmese, a Mongolian, a Cambodian, a Filipino, a Malaysian, and a Singaporean walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai.
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?" The German says, "Nein, just one for now."
The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A mathematician walked into a bar and ordered root beer in a square glass.
A germ walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The germ said, 'But I work here, I'm staph."
A guy walks into a barber shop and says "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. Next week the same thing, guy comes in, barber says "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. The next time it happens, the barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Follow that guy and see where he goes." He comes back and the barber asks, "Where did he go when he left here?"
The friend says, "Your house!"
A man went to a hospital to visit a friend and got lost and walked into a ward where old men sat and drank whiskey. He asked a man where he was and the man cried out, ""Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." And he asked the next man who cried: "So fair art thou my bonnie lass, so deep in love am I, that I would love thee still my love til all the seas gang dry." And he asked the nurse and she said, "This is the Burns unit."
A scientist doing an experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.
You can spot a chemist in the restroom because they wash their hands before they go.
Why are there no English majors on the Starship Enterprise? Because they don't have jobs in the future, either.
The computer programmer gave his son a basketball for his birthday and the boy said, "Thank you but where is the user's manual?"
An Engineer gets home from work and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. "This isn't working, I'm at my moms". He opens the fridge and the light goes on and it's working fine.
Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83 and she was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up.
The college graduate applied for a job as a carpenter. The boss said, "Do you know a joist from a girder?" He said: "it was Joyce who wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
The computer programmer's wife had a baby and the doctor handed the baby to the father. His wife said: "So, is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer said, "yes".
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Santa Claus went to a psychiatrist because he was afraid of going down chimneys. He was diagnosed with santaclaustrophobia.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
A psychiatrist said to his patient, 'don't worry, you're not delusional, you only think you are.'
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6pm when he found his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said his boss, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Well done, Well done!" said his boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, trying to figure out how to determine the height of the flagpole, and a woman walked up, took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down, took a tape measure, and said, 'Eighteen feet, six inches." The engineers said: "We need the height and you measured the length!'
Four clergymen went on a hunting trip together and one night, in the hunting cabin, they decided to confess their worst sins to each other. The Catholic priest said, "My sin is lust, and once a month I go to a burlesque show." The Episcopal priest said, "My sin is greed. I only put a nickel in the collection basket." The Lutheran pastor said, "My sin is gluttony. Once in awhile, I get in my car and go to a faraway town and go through the drive-up window and order four half-pounders and a bucket of fries." And the Baptist minister said, "My sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back from this trip."
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he was late for a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. And he said a prayer, "Lord, if you give me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday!" Just then, a parking place appeared just ahead. The man said, "Never mind, Lord, I just found one."
What car would Jesus drive? ---A Christler.
Saint Peter is at the pearly gates of Heaven greeting newcomers when a group of people from Detroit arrive. Saint Peter has never seen anyone from Detroit at the pearly gates before. So he goes to ask God what to do. And God tells him "go let them in". A few minutes later Saint Peter returns and tells God, "They're gone!" God says "Who, the people from Detroit?" And Saint Peter says "No, the pearly gates."
Unitarians believe in, at most, one god. A Unitarian Universalist prayed: "Dear God, if there is a God, please save my soul, if I have a soul."
A Jesuit priest, a Dominican priest, and a Trappist monk were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. And poof, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes, one for each of them. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at a great university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach at St. Peter's in Rome, and poof, he was gone! And the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
After the Baptism of her baby brother in church, the little girl was sobbing in the car all the way home. Her dad asked, "What's wrong?" She said, "The priest said he wanted us kids brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."
The fire department had an ecumenical blessing of the new fire truck. The Catholic priest sprinkled it with holy water, the Baptist laid hands on it and prayed, and the rabbi cut a quarter inch off the end of the hose.
Did you hear about the New Age Catholic Church ? They've got an organic Communion wafer called I Can't Believe it's not Jesus
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked. "The front row, please," she said. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good."
The cannibals ate the missionary to get a taste of religion but they felt sick afterwards because it's hard to keep a good man down.
Where do cannibals get their vegetables from? The coma ward.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
The suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of his class and said: "Pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once."
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
Have you heard the one about the deaf man? Neither has he.
There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight. Their parents are gone.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? The bad golfer goes whack "Damn it!" The bad sky diver---
There was a Bible salesman who sold a hundred Bibles a day though he had a terrible stutter. He'd walk up and knock on a door and say, "I'm suh, suh, suh, suh, suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, reh, reh, reh, reh read it to you a la la la la la la la la la la la la loud?"
Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
A dog goes "Marc! Marc!"? He had a speech defect.
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber said, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else."
What did the Blonde name her Zebra? Spot.
Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? They can't keep their calves together.
A blonde walks into a shoe store to try on a pair of shoes. After trying on a pair she complained that they were a bit tight. The sales clerk says, "Try pulling the tongue out." "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-paned energy efficient kind. Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them. Hello! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm stupid. His salesman told me last year. These windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello! It's been a year."
What's the difference between Obama's dog and Affordable Health Care? Obama's dog is fixed.
Did you hear about the new Obama Happy Meal? Order anything you like, the guy behind you has to pay for it.
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
What's the difference between democracy and feudalism? In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
The candidate was giving a speech at the Indian reservation and it was going well ---- every so often, the Indians would all yell, OONGAH, OONGAH. The candidate left to get in his car and an Indian said, "Thanks for coming and be careful not to step in the oongah."
The real reason you can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.
So, how's life in North Korea? Well, I can't complain.
Why do French People eat snails? Because they don't like fast food!
How does Dick Cheney like his toast? On the dark side.
One day a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and the genie pops out. The genie says she can grant the man one wish. The man says he'd like to live forever. The genie says she's sorry she's not authorized to grant that type of wish. The man thinks for a moment and then he says "Okay, I'd like to live until the Vikings win the Super Bowl."
So the Minnesotans were sent to hell and they really enjoyed it, the warmth and all, so Satan turned the temperature down to forty below, and they were even happier because, if hell froze over, that meant the Vikings won the Super Bowl.
Wherever there are four Irishmen, you'll find a fifth.
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why? That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
For their 10th anniversary, the couple had dinner at the Ocean View restaurant because the wine selection was good. For the 25th, they had dinner at the Ocean View because it was quiet.
For the 50th, they went to the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible. And for their 60th anniversary, they went to the Ocean View because they'd never been there before.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: What do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She said, 'No peer pressure.'
What's thirty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at a nursing home.
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
A star walks into a black hole but doesn't seem perturbed. The black hole says to the star, "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he eventually rents a limo. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there was no punchline."
A little boy asked his mother how people came to exist. So his mother said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made their own babies, and so on." The child wanted a second opinion, so he went to his father and asked her the same question. He sat him down and said, "It's like this, son, we were monkeys and then we evolved over time to become like we were now. The boy went to his mother and said, "you lied to me!" His mother replied, "No, your father was just talking about his side of the family."
A man was an only child and his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since he was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. He approached a beautiful woman. "I may look like a regular guy, but I'm soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?" "Sure thing" she replied, "I would love to come home with you." The next day she became his Stepmother.
When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns." I said, "Who, me?"
Somebody said you look like an owl. Who?
A baby mosquito came back from his first time out flying. His dad asked : How did you feel ? He replied : It was wonderful, everyone was clapping for me...