GK ... after a message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.
(TELEGRAPH SIGNAL, ALARMS, P.A.: BATTLE STATIONS, BATTLE STATIONS) (MARCH MUSIC)
GK: You may not be aware of it but America is on the verge of a data transmission crisis that could put this country back fifty years. The introduction of smart phones (SFX), cellphones that can download books (SFX), check e-mail, provide GPS (SS: Turn right in one-point-two miles.) and stream live TV shows (TR: And Farrell comes to the plate, two men on, two out, the Tigers down by one here in the top of the 8th ... ) -- all of this is putting terrible strain on America's wireless network which was designed for simple voice communication (VOICE), not to use millions of gigabytes of band width to transmit high-def TV to your iPhone -- (TV DRAMA. SS: Why are you looking at me that way, Brad? You know I'm married to Kevin. TR: I can't hide my feelings any longer, Megan. SS: Sure, you can. Try. TR: I want you. I need you. I can't go on (VOICE SLOWS AND DEEPENS) like this day after day, longing ... HE STOPS)
GK: That's what's going to happen. Microwave relay bursting into flames (SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS), satellite dishes melting (SFX), millions of computers crashing (CRIES OF ALARM), You'll have to learn to take a picture with a camera (SHUTTER) and send the film off to be developed (TR: WHAT???) in four days. (TR; FOUR DAYS????) You'll have to learn how to dial a rotary phone (SFX) and put a needle down on a phonograph album (BIG SCRATCH, THEN HISS, TINNY SAXOPHONE PLAYING) And suddenly you young people are going to have to learn to write letters with a pen and ink (SFX) and put letters into envelopes and lick them (YECHHHH) and put on a stamp (WHAM) and put it in a mailbox. (SS: A what???). What can you do? Learn to spell.
FN: What???? Spell?
GK: When the system goes down, we're going to lose spell check.
FN: Your kidding.
GK: That's y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e. Not y-o-u-r. You're kidding.
FN: It can't happen hear.
GK: H-e-r-e. Not h-e-a-r.
FN: That's terrible.
GK: Two r's in terrible. Spelling. It's coming back. One more reason why you need to get an English major in your life. Look for the P.O.E.M. insignia. The Professional Organization of English Majors.